I'm still alive
I have been totally neglecting this weblog lately. I was at my mom's house most of last week and had to work on the weekend so I just haven't had the time (or inclination, to be honest) to do much with this.
I am now 8 weeks pregnant. 2/3 of the way through my first trimester. I have been so very sick with this pregnancy so far. Food has become my enemy. I need to eat so I don't feel nauseas but most things (the thought of or the smell of) make me sick to my stomach. I am not feeding myself very well lately. Right now I am so hungry my tummy is almost growling but do I get off my ass and find some food?? NO! Why? Well, I am lazy for one and also there is just nothing in the kitchen that appeals to me even one little itty bitty bit. I wouldn't mind a bowl of cereal (Golden Grahams) but we don't have enough milk for that ATM. So here I sit being hungry and doing nothing about it.
I have also been so depressed for about a week now. I don't know why. Hormonal changes? My apartment is a huge disaster but I don't feel like doing a damn thing to change that. I just want to sleep and hide away from everything. I hate being this way. It makes me hate myself more and more as each day goes on. I feel like a total failure as a wife and mother when I get like this. Maybe I am lonely. I wish I had a friend to do stuff with now and then. I have no one to go out with, no one to chat with, no one to laugh with. So, I am basically isolated from the world in this small, dark, depressing apartment. I hate this place. I feel like I am suffocating here. I know that in a few months time we'll probably move but for now I am miserable. I need to get out of this funk I'm in but I don't know how. Depression SUCKS!! I hope I am able to take care of the baby when he/she comes. October is a bad time of year for me because it's the beginning of the downward spiral of my seasonal depression. I hope this next year is very mild, depression-wise. It's so hard to deal with a new baby while suffering from depression.
I have been thinking about having a home birth this time around. I have totally made up my mind that that is definately what I want to do. Dave thinks I'm crazy but he's supportive of my decision. I have been talking to my insurance company though and have gotten conflicting information. First I am told that 'Yes!' they do cover Midwives and home births but I need to get a referal from my PCP. My dr.'s office says I don't need referal for OB care so I call the insurance company back and find out that while they do cover Midwives in my policy, they do NOT cover home births. So, I can have a midwife take care of me through out my pregnancy but they won't cover her delivering my baby at home. I am so sad and so disappointed about this. I can't even begin to describe how much I DO NOT want to give birth in the hospital again. I want a home birth so badly and I thought that this will be my last chance for me to go this route since we are not having more kids. I am not giving up hope yet. I will see how much a midwife charges for home births and see if we can work out a payment plan throughout my pregnancy so this will be all taken care of come October. It's nice having insurance but sometimes they totally suck, ya know?? I hope things work out for me in the end.
Not much else going on here. I live a very boring, sad life. Truly.
